By Joanne Highley
In dealing with the problem of homosexuality, there is no “hotter” word than loneliness. It begins to create dejection within a person because he or she feels so alone and without someone to be with. This is rooted in years of feeling rejected, left out and abandoned. Many times the addictive reaction to this word will be set in notion by these feelings and a person will quickly seek sexual connection in an attempt to stop the pain of loneliness. There is definite unreality that accompanies the feelings of loneliness since the person feels he or she will never have anyone who will be close or who will care. There may also be feelings that he or she is really very bad and should not ever have anyone to feel close to. The emotion of feeling loneliness becomes so overwhelming that we cannot think in a realistic manner. The truth is that this is not overwhelming, but rather is emotional pain that is lying to you. When you connect this feeling to the old feelings of being left out and rejected that you felt in childhood, then you begin to feel very dejected and lonely. From that lie you begin to go into the irrational place of thinking that you will always be rejected and lonely, and from that place you begin to “settle” for what you can get to take care of your awful feelings. This puts you in a place of reaching out for an ungodly sexual “fix” because of feeling so hopeless about having any love or acceptance. This desperation in regard to loneliness is a trap to keep you in the bondage of sin, depression, shame and emotional lies.
In looking at loneliness and the ensuing problems surrounding this emotion, we need to see that the root of the problem is in the interpretation of what it means to be alone. There is a misconception of being alone that says to the person that it is always painful to be alone and when one is alone, no good can come from that condition. This is a lie from the person’s childhood when, for various reasons, the person suffered rejection or abandonment and a false identity was established that told the person that he or she was not fit for companionship and should be left alone. Being alone could only be a painful state, and seemingly there could be only the expectation of never having anyone to share life with or to open up the deepest hopes and dreams in one’s heart.
If we look at what being alone can mean in a positive context, we will see how loneliness can be redeemed and brought into the light of the truth. When Jesus had very heavy days of spiritual ministry, He often went out to solitary places to be alone. This was a great place for Him to find the sweet companionship of His Father, to be strengthened and refreshed. We must bring ourselves to this new concept of being alone so that we can be set free from old emotional bondage of loneliness and the possible temptation to sin sexually to try to stop the pain. There is a positive form of being alone and it is solitude. We will never find out who we are and get to know ourselves if we do not spend time alone. Without the television or other distracting influences, we need to learn to sit quietly in the Presence of the Lord and get to know Him in the solitude of our own homes. No wonder the power of loneliness is so great! Satan loves to keep us from finding out who we are and from having sweet communion with the Lord, so he tries to get us to believe the lie that we are unacceptable and destined to live our lives in loneliness. This is totally untrue and we must reject this lie about being alone. This does not mean that you will never have friends or close intimacy with someone you love. It only means that you must learn to spend time with yourself and God so you can grow into a real person who knows him or herself and can feel secure in the Lord. Then you can have healthy relationships that fit the format that God created.
Tell yourself that being alone is truly a beautiful time that can bring a new relationship with yourself and with God. You need this time to develop a healthy concept of who you are and what God feels about you. God has promised never to leave you or forsake you and He will always be there to comfort and instruct in the way you should go.
When you first try this new redemption of being alone, the old emotions of “I’ll always be lonely.” will come up because you have lived in these lies for most of your life. So you will have to write down these feelings and tell the Lord that this is what you feel but you now want to turn from these lying emotions and allow Him to be the One who will be your main companion and comforter. It will take some time to find the truth about being alone, but it is worth it. You will find that there will be a new peace that will hold you steady any place you go because you will always know that the Lord is with you. Instead of looking for some person to make things better, you will find your sufficiency in the Lord. Then you will learn to love yourself and turn from the old lies of being unacceptable. That will give you a new strength that will keep you from going to the unclean sexual connection or to emotional dependency to try to fill the emptiness.
This is right on the mark because it is living out the truth of the Scripture that tells us to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. You can see that the order of loving given in this passage is to love God first, then love ourselves and finally to love others the way we love ourselves. So we need to have this time alone with ourselves and finally to love others the way we love ourselves. So we need to have this time alone with ourselves and with God to develop this new love for Him and for ourselves. This will make a big difference in our lives and we will find a new strength in this central truth of loving God most of all.
As we learn to love God and to love ourselves, we will be able to see how to love others without worshipping or feeling a rush or “high” when someone pays attention to us. We must break the ungodly fixation on attention and find our joy and peace in God’s acceptance and love. Trying to fill our emptiness with the attention of another person is completely impossible. Only the Lord can fill our emptiness. Then we can go on to healthy relationships with others.
It is important to realize that homosexuality is relationship addiction and that we have sought our answers in man and not in God. We have distrusted God and put all our hope on man. As we begin to change this false answer to our problems, we will see that our emotions will cry out for the old “fix” of having the attention and sexual connection with a person. But if we will give ourselves to the truth, we will be set free from this bondage and we will be able to love God, love ourselves and then love others in a godly context.
For some people a third form of being alone has resulted from the false view of loneliness. If the person lives in loneliness and its lies for a long time, then Satan can bring the thought of isolation, which is a form of being alone that tells the person that he or she should have no relationship at all but be completely without people or God. This is a very dark, lying form of being alone and should be avoided. Many times it is rooted in shame and thinking many people know some ugly secret about you and they are talking about you and making fun of you. To gain freedom from isolation, there needs to be deliverance from the spirit of isolation and work done to kick out the old lies of you not being someone who should try to relate to anyone or any thing.
It is time to redeem being alone and come into the light and joy of solitude. You will always be glad you did and you will find that you will have the strong foundation of infilling with the love of God and love of yourself so that when you love someone else you will not go into worship or dependency. You will find strength and refreshing. There will be a sense of peace wherever you go and you will walk with the sweet fellowship of the Lord as well as the deep friendship of others. It is worth the work and the time you will spend to correct this misinterpretation of being alone. May you find freedom from loneliness and rejoice in the deep delights of solitude.
Sing to God, sing praise to His name,
Extol Him who rides on the clouds,
His name is the Lord---
And rejoice before Him.
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
Is God in His holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families,
He leads for the prisoners with singing;
But the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.