What is this Craving for Love?
In understanding homosexuality, it is essential to go beyond the common explanations that it is love needs that have not been met, or a defensive detachment from the same-sex parent. These are starting points or catalysts, but they are not what homosexuality really is. Homosexuality is what grows out of the ungodly reaction to not having love needs met, and just giving love will not avail because our responses are twisted. Love can become dependency, we sexualize love, we want to control love, or we have no place for love.
When homosexuality is presented as unmet love needs and defensive detachment from the same-sex parent, it would seem that meeting unmet love needs and same-sex bonding, counseling, and healthy relationships would be the answer, but this is just not the case. We have many people who have had an abundance of healthy same-sex relationships and these had little effect on their buried emotions, ungodly mental patterns, false identity, and false concept of God.
Many people have had an abundance of healthy same sex relationships and these had little effect on their buried emotions, ungodly mental patterns, false identity, and false concept of God
While meeting love needs and having healthy same-sex relationships may seem quite reasonable, we have found much deeper issues that must be examined in order to straighten out the concepts of the causes and the ensuing ministry to free those caught in this bondage.
Let’s begin by comparing homosexuality with unhealthy cravings for certain foods. These cravings are not for the food that would nourish the body, but are caused by a deficiency in the body. The food hungered for will feed the deficiency instead of the body, and make the condition worse. If you are not digesting sugar properly, you may crave sugar, but eating a lot of sugar will only make things worse. As in all such matters, we need an objective source to tell us what is really needed. The body must be brought to a state of health and normalcy before the proper nourishment can be taken in, digested and used. The food craved only feeds the deficiency.
The person caught in homosexuality craves attention, affection, and sex from someone of the same gender because of childhood strife, alienation, fears, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, shame, confusion, et al. This leads to separation from parent figures, feelings of being helpless and hopeless, passivity, envy, bitterness, lust, self-hate, revenge, separation of the mind from the emotions, and escaping from reality into fantasy. This creates a real deficiency, a void inside where love should have been. Will this person know what he or she really needs?
Such a person then becomes virtually ruled by lying emotions, fantasy, lack of identity, false ideas about God, and ungodly thought patterns. Until these issues and the accompanying despair, passivity, judgment of others, insecurity, and unreality (many in such a state can hardly receive simple Bible truths) are dealt with, no amount of same-sex approval, love, or attention will have much effect. They will, in fact, feed the deficiency and the person will still find him/herself looking for that person who will make everything all right. This may seem like a cry for love, but it is really wanting someone else to do what the person must do to be free from the syndrome. A work must be done in the person to cause them to give up the dreamy, idyllic illusion of Mr. or Ms. Right. That is nothing but harmful craving to feed the deficiency and makes matters worse.
They must become a person on his/her own, relating to truth and rejecting emotional lies before a relationship can be valid and truly helpful. Of course, we encourage people to have relationships and signs of affection for love and comfort as they grow, but never as the answer.
If the person in this bondage can be led to see the truth about the desire for sex and affection as being harmful cravings, we can begin to answer this complex problem.
Here is a very informative letter from a man who had a minister of the same sex meet with him every day for months, living with his family, lovingly guiding him – but he still returned to sin because he did not develop a response to life based on truth. He obediently did what the man said, but still wanted a man to take care of him. This is written after three years of deep addiction to drugs and sex.
“Two weeks ago I HAD to choose not to immerse myself in sin. I had to face housing court, welfare, doctors. As much as I wanted to escape these painful things, I knew if I did that it would jeopardize the help I desperately needed. Also, my front teeth were falling out and I could no longer make myself “attractive” (thank God). I actually kept myself from fixing my teeth, because I knew that once I started having extractions, I could no longer go out to have sex.
“Now the eye of the storm is past, and I am seeing clearer through the Grace that carried me this far. I want to start to face some of this, and I feel that God won’t let it be too much at once. Two weeks ago, and even last week I was thinking that I was just waiting until I dealt with some of this – got stabilized, got some teeth, and then I couldn’t wait to go back and “get my needs met” (my need to escape, to be lost and hopeless, but in control).
“Today, I am thankful that I didn’t go back yesterday, and thankful that I choose not to go back today. I have so identified with the sin inside me that I have missed it as if it were a part of me, but it is not.
“The deficiency of this man was caused by years of confusing, head-spinning parent figures, one of whom was a seductive, drug-addicted mother figure, another a lesbian/priest mother, and a passive father. But the deficiency was fed by living on the lies of escape, being lost and hopeless, and yet by these, being “in control”.”
The deficiency was fed by living on the lies of escape being lost and hopeless, and yet by these, being “in control”.
“All these very familiar and trusted lies must be let go and, as he is doing, a bold step taken to trust truth when it feels so untrustworthy and strange to him. The identity with his sin must be traded for his true identity as a child of God. Only then can he begin to have relationships with men that can be edifying and non-addictive. We cannot feed on what is craved – we must feed on the nourishment of truth. Then we will be free to relate in healthy ways.
“Love God first, and then love me; then His love eternally will flow
from Him to you through me, then it is love.”
(from the song, “It Isn’t Love”, copyright 1993, Joanne Highley)